I suppose I will start with the first set of news that I got this morning, which is that my therapist is going to write my letter and I will get it next week. Now I won't start hormones right away because we are harvesting my eggs for our next child but it is one step closer. I will explain about the military aspect in the next paragraph. For me though just the knowledge I am getting the letter is huge. I also have a doctor, who turns out is my primary care doctor already. A total universe thing that my new doctor with my new insurance happens to work with transgender patients and used to work in Seattle and so will be my doctor for my transition. Yay! What a great thing, especially because I was going to him for something completely unrelated and I just happened to mention it. That is two good things regarding being steps closer to hormones.
In my last post I think I was freaking out about the military, what was that going to look like in terms of delaying my transition. I was freaking out because I thought that discharge was going to take a long time. So tonight I met with the woman who handles these things and she happens to live really close to me. So we met at Starbucks and I just said that it was because I wanted to adopt my child. She was so totally understanding, laid out my options and it sounds like by Christmas I will be free from the military and their reach and I can do whatever I want. Now this is very bittersweet on many levels. First of all the DADT ruling today, after spending years in silence it is sad that I never was free to be myself. Of course I am thrilled for everyone else. This gal I met with at Starbucks told me that my boss walked into her office today and told her to tell me that "he knows, and if that is why I am leaving that I need to know he knows and doesn't care. That I am a good troop, a good person and he likes me" when she asked what he knew he just said "I know" and left the office. Clearly he is only talking about one thing here, being a lesbian. It just meant a lot to me and makes me sad that I am not leaving due to that anymore. If I were then there would be hope that I may return. Now with my transition though I really am walking away and never returning. That is sad to me. I fought hard to get into the military and get this great job, and I had one of the best enlisted jobs there is. Yet here I am almost exactly 7 1/2 years later fighting so hard to get out. And I still love it, dearly. So it is really sad for me. I will go and out process in a week or two and that is it, I am done with the military. It is very surreal for me. I am sure I have not totally grieved this loss. I am not sure when I will, I might not ever fully get over it.
Some days seem to be better than others, I can't explain it. I was telling my therapist today that it is like on a 1-10 scale of body dysphoria I walk around most days at a 5. Then I have days where I am at an 8 or 9 and those days are getting closer and more frequent. Those days always seem to correlate to days like I had on friday. I am feeling more encouraged today, less trapped and not so scared.
I am also realizing that transitioning is not as scary as I had thought. I was really worried that if I introduced myself as Jonathan to one of my partners friends in the store or something, while looking as a woman or at the very least not passing that I would get beat up or something would happen. A friend told me that wasn't going to happen and although there are jerks out there the world is not as scary and unsafe as I think or feel it is. That was very helpful for me to hear from someone who is farther into the process than I am.
I feel like I can take have a big sigh of relief and go to sleep feeling better than I have in days.
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