Good Days

It is so interesting to me how some days are good days and some are bad. Yesterday for instance was a horrible day, very dark feeling and a very low spot emotionally for me in regards to my feelings about my transition and where I am at. Today was not as bad, although moments have felt tough.

That feeling of not belonging as a woman or a man is really tough for me. Loneliness for me is so hard. My partner brought up an interesting idea that I think she might be right about. That I am staying away from AA meetings subconsciously because I don't want to deal with introducing myself as my current self because that doesn't feel real and yet I don't feel that I can introduce myself as Jonathan either. I think that the punch line there is that I am afraid of what people will say or think or do if I introduce myself as Jonathan when I am so clearly a woman.

This whole thing is such an emotional roller coaster. I have never been on anything like this, except maybe when I first got sober and yet even that was not as bad as this. I know it has to end, but it is hard because I don't know when. When is my life going to get better? When is this pain going to be over? There are no answers and that makes it very hard.