Wow, I realized today how long it has been since I have blogged. I suppose life has just gotten away from me, it has been abnormally busy. Where to start at...well maybe my one paragraph rant about DOMA and then I will leave it alone. So DOMA- Defense of Marriage Act that was enacted in 1996 on a national level making marriage only allowable as between one man and one woman. I have always known about it, always objected to it on many levels and yet never really had it affect my life. I was in the military which prevented me from having any legal ties to my partner anyway so I never really felt the ramifications of this very cruel law. So now, here I am starting to transition and a family but still legally a woman and we wanted to do something that many straight couples do all the time. We wanted to use a bank account set up for medical treatments (up to a certain amount being tax free) and use it for me but my partner is the one who had set the money aside through her work and spouses are allowed to use it. My partners work looked into it and were sad to tell us that because of DOMA I am not allowed to use this tax free money. Straight couples could though. So instead, we have to pay out of pocket with our taxable income for this procedure. In essence we get screwed by a fair amount of money because this is a procedure that costs thousands of dollars. What makes me the most angry is that we pay the same taxes as straight people, we are expected to or we go to jail. Yet we don't get the same tax breaks? Really? REALLY? Oh I was pissed...and clearly still am. This is just one of the over 1,100 other rights also denied to us. By the same people who scream for small government (The Republicans and right wingers) and yet they are more than happy to pass a federal law that essentially invades our bedroom and our house and tells us what we can and can not have in terms of freedoms and rights all based upon who we love? Oh but how dare we tell them how to live their lives (they claim which is why they have to protect against the big bad gay agenda). How F-ing hypocritical! The fact that two consenting adults can not make each other legal recipients of such things is incredibly wrong (not even mentioning the fact that any two consenting adults can't get married? UGH). So I am infuriated, and I think it is really good that I am. Now that I am transitioning, sometime next year (2011) I am going to have all my papers changed and legally be a man. At that point in time DOMA will no longer apply to us, we can get married and the federal government will recognize it and we will get all those rights and freedoms. Sadly though my gay and lesbian friends and family will still be denied those basic rights. Had I had not had this experience I may have missed a key chance for me to realize the importance of not only staying in the gay community but my chance to be voice. To be a vocal ally for my friends and family. To stand with them and other allies and say this is not okay! I feel the pain of injustice in this way (although through the military have already felt what I feel is the biggest and worst betrayal this country will ever do to it's gay and lesbian citizens). Anyway...so enough about that rant but that happened this week and was deeply profound.
Thanksgiving...well Thanksgiving was challenging to say the least. Family and holidays always are and then add transitioning and family that is not entirely receptive to that and it is even more challenging. I felt like I managed well, however I really had to put my foot down with my father and his wife and tell that if they could not even start to try to call me by male pronouns and my new name that we were going to start to have issues. We had talked about it a few times before and it seemed as though it fell on deaf ears and what I was feeling was disrespect was getting old. However they did respect that once I put my foot down and did both call me Jonathan a couple of times over dinner. They still called me my old name as well and used female pronouns but they made more of an effort than they ever had before and that is all I was wanting, some kind of effort.
My name, this is a source of recent contention. People are calling me Jon and I am finding that I am not a fan of this. I like the name Jonathan although am wondering if that is in fact what is the best name for me. I am seriously contemplating Jackson. I like longer male names, and I really want to stay with a "J" name for some reason. People have thrown out names like Justin or Jordan but they don't feel right to me. I suspect at the end of the day I will either stay with Jonathan or go with Jackson because when I write it down or say it aloud those are the two that I like the most. I am struggling with the issue that everyone else is just getting used to Jonathan and what if I change it, will it make their lives harder. Then I remind myself this is not about them. That is hard to do for this natural people pleaser. I am really working on it and have come so far but in this situation where I am hesitant to draw any more attention to myself I find it rearing it's ugly head even more. I wish someone could pick a name for me, but it is my choice and that is difficult. Who do I feel like I am? What name fits? Those and many more are questions that race through my head all the time.
Hormones, this is an exciting topic although one I have not given a ton of thought to recently purely because life has been so hectic. Hormones though are set to start very soon, possibly the very first few days of January. I am still waiting for the finally paper to be signed for the military but that should happen any day now. Either way what is called my drop dead date is coming soon so the waiver is becoming more and more useless with each passing day. Either way the clock is ticking to the official date of being done with the military but since I am never in there, don't ever drill or get paid I can start hormones and before they ever were to find out about it or see a change I will be gone. Of course for peeve of mind that paper being signed would be nice but either way I am starting hormones the first of the year.
Got a place to stay when we go to have my surgery so this is rather exciting and a fact that makes it all the more real. This time of year where I can wear more bulky sweaters and such my dysphoria is hit and miss, some days not at all and some days horrible. I find if I change my clothes to something a little baggier or bulkier that that often helps relieve some of the anxiety I feel. I am not passing more, although I am getting a lot more where people don't say "sir" or "ma'am" where they would normally. So although I wish I were passing more (or at all really) I am taking it in stride that small steps are just as good and the fact people can't tell and therefore don't say anything is a step in the right direction.
Anyway so I have so much more on my mind but I also have so much homework to do and would like to be in bed soon. I will try to blog more very soon and fill it up with the rest of the thoughts swirling around in my head.
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