I guess what brought this up today is that I am at my normal Starbucks. I love this place, I had already come out to a couple people who work here who I felt safe with and they had started to call me Jonathan. I need to tell them I am going by Jackson now but that is a separate issue. Anyway though so there is someone who works here who I have known for ten years. We worked at Starbucks together ten years ago. I really like her, although I would not say we are friends. I do always enjoy seeing her when I come in here, and it was a fun surprise when I realized that now she worked at this one. We had worked together in a different city. So anyway, I had not told her and she would still always call me by my female name. No big deal, except that I felt uncomfortable about it. Especially because sometimes she would do it unknowingly in front of the two who were calling me Jonathan. So today I went up to the counter for some water (and because I saw her working and that it was slow). She said hi to me, using my female name and the manager who knows heard her and gave me a friendly look. Needless to say I felt the time had come to tell her. So I walked over to the bar area, and I started with "I am not really going by this name anymore" and she said to me "are you joking with me?" a couple of times. So I told her no, and that I was transitioning to live as man and I was going by Jackson. She kind of looked at me with this friendly smile, I could tell digesting what I just told her. Then we had what felt like an eternity of akward staring at each other. Then I just said that I didn't expect she would always remember but I just wanted to share with her. Then that was it and it was way more uncomfortable than with the other two.
So now I sit here, wondering whether I could have handled it better. I never know how to come out to people, it is very scary for me. I don't really have a set way that I do it. Each situation is difficult and different. I suppose I could just not come out to them, but I would have to at some point and so I guess I prefer to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. Also, it just helps that more people know so I am living less of a double life. I spent enough time in the military doing that.
Speaking of which, it is a very sad day. I am not terribly surprised that the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell didn't happen but it is hard because it is like a slap in the face. It makes me so grateful that I didn't put off transitioning and try to wait out DADT and stay in. It just goes to show me that I did in fact do the right thing for myself and my family even if it was hard. I feel like today's vote in the Senate also allows me to move forward with my life. I am out, to everyone who I served with. I couldn't ever go back in the closet, and so therefore I could never go back. That door is shut, my military career is over. Even without the transgender issue which of course makes it even more clear that my time there is done. I suppose I am saying that any hope I had or fleeting thought that maybe I could just be a lesbian and still serve in the military is gone. That was not to be for me and my life, and it is time for me to move on and be true to myself. In some ways, today's vote as sad and disappointing as it is also is freeing for me.
So back to the coming out issue. How does one come out? Does it ever get easier? Does it really ever end? Is there some ways that are better than others or easier than others? In some ways coming out might just be one of the hardest parts about this whole thing for me. I wonder if I will ever get comfortable with it?
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