Really?

I am not even sure what to think at this moment in time. I am only left to wonder what the universe is trying to show me or tell me, if anything. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, however I do try at least to be spiritual on some level. I have come to accept that there is some force out there greater than me, and that I don't control everything. I have no real desire to figure out what exactly that thing is, be it Jesus or any other religious figure head. I just really don't care, I am happy and content with the idea that the universe on some level is in control of things and that things happen as they should; whether or not I like it is a totally separate issue. So here I am today, wondering what the heck is going on that I need to know about. Maybe I don't need to know about it, I am not really sure. So here I am, one week to ten days or so from starting "T" and now that may be up in the air.

My partner and I had decided to try to go through fertility treatments a long time ago to harvest my eggs so that when we wanted a second child, and if we wanted a second child that this one would be related to me hopefully. We made that decision long before I realized my need to transition. In hindsight the timing has worked out well, because we think that if we want a second child that we would like them to be between 18 months and 2 years apart. Anyway though so the pressure has been on a little because I wanted to get started on "T" as soon as I could. I have the letter, the doctors ready to go and everything is in line so that once we harvest these eggs I am good to move forward.

Well, so here we are and we were just a few days from harvesting and I knew that they were not as big as they were last time but was not overly concerned until this morning. Turns out my eggs aren't performing as they should and so we are not moving forward after all. So I have been giving myself these shots, going to appointments etc and now we aren't doing it. We can try again, this time not having to wait an entire cycle to do it but I don't know what that time frame would be I would have to look but still a few weeks. Not to mention the money. So now we are facing moving forward and postponing "T" again or not moving forward and if in the future we want more children achieving that through other means, which I am fine with too. Anyway...so more decisions to make now.

I was talking to someone about how I was having a really bad reaction to the birth control I was on, like all the side effects one can have I was having and I was miserable. She just said that maybe there was a psychological aspect where my body is wanting to reject the female hormones because it knows I am getting ready to transition. The first time we tried to harvest my eggs it was not for lack of eggs that things didn't work out. My body was producing just fine, in fact very optimistically. This time though it has been an entirely different story. Very discouraging and disappointing how my body has not reacted as it in theory should be. Stay tuned for what happens next.