Chest Surgery

*I will warn that this may be a bit more graphic and personal post*


I have been thinking about chest surgery lately. I have it scheduled right now for March 1st, however that may for some various reasons be pushed back. That is all rather irrelevant because it is going to happen at some point. I will have more on that in another post. Anyway so I have been thinking about it, because it seems every day I hate my chest more and more. I don't like how it feels when I take my sports bra, binder and whatever other thing I wear during the day to keep them in check and flattened as much as possible, off at night. Although there is a brief moment of feeling free, generally within a very short amount of time I am physically uncomfortable. So for this reason I can't wait for them to go. 


I hate that I have to bind to feel more comfortable and more like myself. I don't feel as though binding makes much difference, although my partner says it does. I have tried a few various methods to get better results to no avail. I am unwilling to do any more extreme measures at this point in time because I am unwilling to be that physically uncomfortable with the binders on. It is a fine line for me of what I can endure in either direction. I can't wait for the day that I can wear a t-shirt and have a flat male chest. 


*I will warn that it gets a bit more personal/graphic than you may want to think about*


The one thing that I do love about my chest, or rather that I have come to love about my chest over time is the sexual pleasure that I can and do get from my nipples. With my surgery I will lose nipple sensation and won't ever gain it back. At least this is my understanding of the procedure. This makes me very sad. Not sad enough to not have the surgery but sad at that loss. It is a very intimate thing to me and my partner and an important part of our intimacy. I am suddenly sad and worried about how to make up for that. It makes me wonder whether I am making a mistake, and yet I know I am not deep down. Deep deep down I know this is the thing I have wanted my whole life. 


So lately I have been doing more reading, wondering if I rushed into getting the surgeon I did, Dr. Brownstein. He is very well known, with a long career of doing FTM chest surgery. The other allure was that he is in San Francisco so the travel to him is not as far as some others. I also know personally at least two men who have had their surgery done there and I am very happy with their results. I was so happy and thrilled with the prospect of getting my boobs chopped off finally that I talked to them, heard about their own journeys and what they found about different surgeons and why they went with him. Then I just got in touch with him, looked at his website and sent him a check. So I really didn't do a lot of research myself as I was overcome with the joy of the news and reality that I now faced. So now I was doing some more reading in general about another transgender issue and I came upon someone else who writes a blog. Turns out that they had a different kind of surgery than I am having. So I am having a Bilateral Mastectomy, and they are going to cut my breasts and nipples and then place my nipples in a more male location on my chest. They are also going to shape them into a smaller, more male shape. Well in doing so, since they completely remove them from my body they are completely detached from the nerves. Which means that I lose sensation. Well turns out that this blog I was reading he had another kind of surgery, for which I don't remember the name. Point is that he was able to keep sensation in his nipples as they didn't remove or reshape them. They did move them, and so looking at his pictures I was not very pleased with what I saw even a long time post op. So I goggled some more and the pictures were all generally the same. I was not pleased. YET even being not pleased I am feeling jealous that they got to keep sensation. I know I don't want their chest, because it is in no way compares to Dr. Brownstein's work. Yet it just made me realize just how much that has come to mean to me that I could get sexual satisfaction from them. Even though I have always hated them the idea I am going to lose that is sad to me. Yet another thing I am finding that I have to grieve over in this process. 


Like with many things about my transition I find myself in this paradox of emotions. A love/hate relationship so to speak. I want it all, and yet there are just some instances I can't have it all. In reality I think that between hormones and just generally feeling happier about my body that my sex life really won't suffer. It will change, but I will adapt. Just as I have adapted to so many other things in my life. The part I am finding challenging is the need to grieve over something I thought I was celebrating getting rid of (and of course am celebrating). So if I do in fact keep my surgery date of March first that is 2 1/2 months away!!! If I have to move it back, hopefully it won't be for terribly long. My main goal is to next summer wear a t-shirt and have a male body and not have to bind to achieve it. At this moment in time that is what I most look forward to and dream about.