Dreaming

Sometimes while I am sitting at Starbucks doing homework I catch myself drifting off into another place. I watch the men walk in, and I find myself engrossed in watching them. Especially if I feel that they have a body I want. I find myself dreaming of the day I will get it, and thinking about how much easier I think it will be to take care of my body once I am on my way to getting it. After all, it is easier to take care of something you like rather than something you don't like. So many things that I look forward to. For some reason today I am even more excited. I have always enjoyed being athletic and active, until right after my daughter was born. That happens to also be when I had the realization that I was transgender, or at least when I finally admitted it to myself. So there has been the perfect excuse not to work out and take care of myself, adjusting to new baby in my life. I think really if I wanted to that I could and would make time and now that I know for sure when I am starting Testosterone I feel like my motivation is already increasing. Doesn't mean I have actually done anything yet but I think about it now where as I never did before. It just was not on my radar for months. Maybe it is because I know that in just 21 days I will be having my first shot of Testosterone. This is a day I have waited for all my life and until recently didn't even know it. I am excited to have chest surgery too, whenever that is going to be. That is still up in the air but I can hardly wait for that. 


I sit here and I dream about going running and what my body will look like without breasts, and how I have always wanted that. How I have always hated how I feel they get in the way. I can't wait to have less curves, to have the straight body I have always wanted. There are SO many things that I can not wait to have! And I can have them, and that is what is so amazing to me. For so many years I wanted it and didn't know I could have it. Some days I feel like a kid on Christmas, about to get one of the things I have always dreamed of and wanted, but in many ways didn't know I wanted. I have felt held back by the body I have always hated my entire life. Now I feel like the world is at my finger tips, never before have I felt so hopeful about the rest of my life as I do these days. Of course I still have days that are rough but I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer, and like a kid on Christmas I can't wait to see what awaits me. 


Of course realistically I know that Testosterone will take a while to start working, and that is okay. I know that I won't have that body overnight, but the fact I am going to get it all is enough for me.