Finally!!

On Saturday the United States Senate voted to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell! What a historic day it was. I watched the vote that morning on C-SPAN and so I knew that the final vote would happen that afternoon. Although I knew it would be repealed there was still a small part of me, I suppose probably like many, who couldn't barely believe it. It had been a long time coming and it was difficult to believe I was actually witnessing the day it was going to happen. It has been a long time since I have really felt proud of this country or even felt like I could hold my head high. Part of that might be my own issues, but I have really needed to put my military service behind me and move on. That involved not thinking about it, not talking about it, putting everything in my house away that reminded me etc. It was rather extreme, and honestly it might even stay that way because I think I need it that way right now. However, what changed was some of my feelings inside about it. It just showed me exactly how oppressive, at least for me DADT really was. How difficult it was for me to deal with, and I only had to deal with it for three years. So of course I have spent the weekend thinking about what this means to me, as I am not officially out of the service yet and I could go back tomorrow if I wanted to. Part of me does want to, I don't hide that fact. A large part of me never wanted to leave to start with. I felt forced out by DADT, even though they didn't kick me out because of it. So I have been thinking about what this means to me. The conclusion I have come to is that in the practical it means nothing to me really. I am not going back. I want to go back, I wish I could go back, I miss it almost every single day whether I admit it to someone or not. Yet, with all that the reality remains the same...I need to transition, and it is life or death for me. 


Many people don't understand that, how transitioning to the other gender could possibly be life or death. How the choice at this point is hardly a choice really. Once I came out of the closet to myself, and those around me I was shutting the door to any future military service (if only we lived in Canada, then I could serve). I could never go back into that closet, even if I desperately wanted to. The majority of the days I don't desperately want to, I just feel sad and miss the military. There are a few days occasionally that I do feel desperate about it though, that the thought crosses my mind that I could just go back into the closet as Trans, go back to the military and serve as a Lesbian and since that is so hardcore I could be happy. It would satisfy just enough to keep me satisfied. However, there is a big difference between satisfied and happy. I don't want to go around life just being satisfied with my life, I want to be happy about my life. And I have so much to be happy about, and yet this is such a huge thing it would overshadow all those great amazing things and I would just be satisfied. I don't want that, I want to be truly happy. Happy with who I am, happy with my life and to be able to truly enjoy all the things I have. 


So back to DADT....I have been thinking about it this weekend. That policy is cruel and 17 years overdue to be repealed. Yet at the very same time, I can't help but think that had it not been in place that I might have not figured out I was transgender at this point in my life. If I had not gone through what I went through, feeling forced out and all that happened during that period of time I may never have been faced with this possibility. I would have very possibly gone on for years, not truly being happy but dealing with being a butch lesbian in the military and having that satisfy enough of my need to be masculine, to live as a male that I may have never recognized it. That is partly I think to thank for why it wasn't until now that I figured it out. Of course I do believe that everything has it's right time in life, and this was my right time to figure this out. I guess I am just saying that part of me is glad to have figured it out now, to be able now to transition and live my life as I have always wanted to live it and at the same time part of me isn't. The part of me that is though feels that  without DADT, I may have had to wait many more years to do transition. At the very least I would have reenlisted for many more years and have to wait just because of that, let alone any other reason (such as not figuring it out). 


So sometimes I think life's hardest, most painful things really can have good come out of them. While I have always felt this way I never felt that it would be the case in this situation or that I might feel that way in this situation. Anyway though, a very historic weekend and although I didn't get to serve openly I am so proud of those who finally did the right thing so that many more after me can serve openly and without fear. If you are willing to die for your country you should never be shamed and treated as a second class citizen and I am glad this country is finally righting that wrong that has been done. It is bittersweet that it happened so soon after I left, but sometimes that is how life works I suppose. Now it is time for me to pick up and move on with my life and in some strange way I feel like this is going to let me.