Moving Forward

Update on yesterday's post. After 24 hours of contemplation, thinking on it, spending time talking together and just being with each other we decided that we are giving up on harvesting my eggs. Clearly the universe is telling us something, and it is becoming exceedingly costly as well as emotionally and psychologically challenging for me. This could potentially mean that my partner never carries another child and almost guarantee's I will never have a biological child. I do have a brother who might be convinced to donate to the cause and two younger sisters who might be available (not for the same child, we have sperm now sitting waiting to be used that is not related to either of us that we would use for my sisters egg if that were to happen). So it is not entirely a closed door but closed for now. Although my entire life I have wanted to adopt and never had any yearning at all to have a child that was biologically related to me, I had gotten used to the idea. I also think more than caring about the biology was my desire to give that gift to my partner. So I do feel sad about that. However, I am completely open to adoption and partly hoping that is just the route we go rather than trying IVF with her. Time will tell though, for now everything related to this is on the shelf and we will revisit it in six months. In the meantime I am free to move forward with my transition, which is exciting. 

My phone appointment was next week to get my prescription and make a time to see the nurse to show me how to give myself the injections of testosterone. Since I have stopped taking all drugs related to fertility treatments and there were not a lot in my system we decided to change my phone appointment to tomorrow. So tomorrow morning my doctor will call me, and if all goes as planned and well than he will write my prescription tomorrow morning. I don't know when I would get to take it, I am thinking maybe tomorrow. His office is never super busy and I could get it filled tomorrow so I don't see why I couldn't just hop on up and get a nurse to show me. I will see what happens and of course write about it either way. 

That is a big development though, I thought that I had until next week and so I was mentally prepared for it to be the middle of next week. Don't get me wrong, I have been waiting for this day for a very long time. Far longer than I have even known about being transgender, I just was unaware it was this I was yearning for. So while it is exciting, scary, emotional and who knows what else it is also a huge relief to be finally really moving in the right direction to achieving unity within my mind, body and soul. I know it is going to be so liberating to finally have that alignment. 

It is so interesting, on a different note. So for a really long time between being in the closet because of the military or whatever the reason was I have really struggled with isolation and making friends. When I came out as being a lesbian I lost most of the friends I had prior to that time. My entire world collapsed around me and I was left with almost nothing. Ask the few people who still know me from that time period of three years ago and they will attest to the fact this is true. So to rebuild friendships and community that I lost has been very slow and I have been very hesitant. I was hurt so badly, and so deeply that I have been very leery to move forward. It has been easier to stay isolated, busy, in the closet or whatever. Yet here I am finding that the more comfortable I get with myself as Jackson the more things are changing for me. I am just starting to naturally make friends again. This time it is in places I never expected to be making friends. Part of that may come from my surrendering and opening up to the universe and what the universe has for me rather than me trying to control it. 

So it has been very interesting. Within the last two weeks I can think of two new friendships, if I am ready to call them that, which have started to evolve more. Both people I have known very casually for a while and I was perfectly content that way. I really had no desire to have anything more than casual acquaintance with them. Then for some reason slowly things have been changing. The funny part about it I think is that one is with a totally straight woman and the other is someone who I thought was and turns out isn't. I think that her sharing that piece of information with me actually makes me more interested in a friendship. It is weird...when I thought she was straight it was like she would never have been on the radar as someone we would have hung with, invited over etc. As a matter of fact I never would have even guessed she wasn't straight, not that it matters. As a cool, non straight chic though I am more willing to. So that is kind of random, and that whole situation really is in fact.  Then there is the totally straight chic and she is super nice, I enjoy her company and it would never be anything more because for one she is not queer but also just because she isn't my type. She is super fun to be around though and my partner knows her so that is cool too. Anyway though total surprise there and never in a million years would I have guessed or even thought twice about these people. Yet here they are in my life, for who knows what purpose, or how long or to what degree. It is teaching me some things about myself though and how if I am just open to whatever the universe has to offer than my needs will be met and it very well may not look like what I thought. The final kicker for me is that as a woman I never ever had female friends. It just didn't happen, I couldn't relate, didn't want to relate, felt in competition with them etc. Now that I identify as a guy and a moving in the direction of becoming one I can embrace friendships with women. 

I am also making more friends with guys, or at least becoming much more comfortable again with guys. I just had to find some new guys to hang out with and now that I am slowly doing that I am becoming more comfortable with them and with myself. I feel like we are friends, I could call them up or they could call me up for something. It is not weird like before when I was a butch lesbian and I was just friends with guys up to 90% but that other 10% I wasn't because I wasn't a guy and so I was always excluded from certain things. Now though I am finding that is not an issue. I don't know if that makes sense but it such a great feeling, starting to feel like I am coming into my own a little more. Almost like I am finally finding my place in the world one small step at a time. Unfortunately there is far more to find than has been found but I suppose it is a work in progress. A little saying I know really is perfect for the situation and it is "progress not perfection" of course there is more to it than that but it can be taken out of context of where I got it and put into any other context and still applies. I just need to remember it. 

With that now I am waiting to see what tomorrow holds, and I will be back with more.