Confronting my past...or not

A few days late but I am going to try. I have actually sat down a few times to write this and find the topic so difficult that I either find nothing to write or it too hard to do so. I am not even sure what I want to write about on the topic because there is so much I could say.

I was supposed to take a class on Saturday mornings and for a multitude of reasons that ended up not being a good option for me. I could stay in the Saturday morning class and have to be up at school at 8am, and school is about a forty minute drive. It is also a class that at this point would likely be challenging for me. I have a lot of old baggage about classes like that. My years of humiliation and painful “failures” as a result of my undiagnosed dyslexia and ADHD have made me very shy (if that is even the correct word) of any classroom situation where math is involved. Terrified might actually be a better word for how I feel. If I am going to struggle through a class I would prefer to do it in my office, at home, by myself instead of in front of people who don’t understand. Anyway, my other option though came with a totally different although no less difficult issues to face should I choose that option.

The only other class I could switch into at that point was a class that was held on the base that I was stationed at when I was in the military. I debated about what to do, and even lost some sleep over the dilemma. I still remember the last time I was there as though it were yesterday and I generally prefer not to think about it. The way that chapter in my life ended was everything other than pleasant and happy for me.

In fact twice recently we drove by the base on our way someplace and for the first time in a long time I had absolutely no emotion, of course I also choose to ignore the existence of it. So I would not say that I have dealt with it, more like I have changed how I don’t deal with it.

So if I went to the class on the base I would not only be going back to the base for the first time in over a year, but I would be going as a new person and gender. I would also run the risk of having the class with people I served with or knew prior to my transition. How would that go if I did? What about the bathroom issue? I suppose I could drive down to the Burger King if I had to. At the end of the day though I choose to go with the class on the base, mostly because I have already been really struggling in my math class and to add the pressure of a classroom situation like that was more than I could even deal with to think about.

So I showed up to the base on Tuesday night and had to stop and get a base pass. Which I found ironic because I actually have a valid military ID through the next summer….as my previous name and gender. The story behind that is long, but needless to say that was a very weird situation. I felt like an imposter or something as I sat there waiting for the pass. It was very surreal as I drove onto the base. I fearfully parked and went up to the classroom, praying not to run into anyone. I had decided though that if I did run into that I was going to take what I call the “asshole” approach and just not even acknowledge the person regardless of if they recognize me. I had purposely not shaved for a few days prior, wore my glasses and made a few extra provisions to help look as little as my old self as possible. Which given the jaw surgery I had and everything else in the last 18 months or so I thought was entirely possible. Looking at my military ID and then my license now I really don’t look alike. Maybe siblings but a lot of people would be hard pressed to really know it was the same person.

So I walked into the class and thankfully didn’t see anyone that I knew. Right as the class was about to start this older retired military guy who I have taken 2 other classes with but both well before I got out of the military walked into the class and sat down IN FRONT OF ME!  Of all his choices he sat in front of me? Anyway I just played stupid for a good while, and then I think during a break or something, when a bunch of us were talking about a specific airplane and aircraft design issues (boring to most people I know lol) he says to me “you were in the AF too right? And then something about my job, and I just stood there for a moment shocked he remembered given we didn’t even interact back then. Needless to say I was a little uncomfortable but just hoped that with age came enough maturity that there would not be an issue. He is extremely Republican, I had to spend numerous times in class listening to him go on and on about various political things that I found horrifying. Needless to say though it was less than comfortable.

I was very nervous about the bathroom situation and or what that would be like. Were there going to be any stalls? Even if I did happen to have a way to use the urinals (which if I were not so lazy then I would bring it but I generally am too lazy to bother with it) and even if I had brought it would I have felt comfortable using it in that situation? I am not sure I would have been, so instead I took the “I lost track of time” approach and waited for most the class to go back and then used the bathroom, showing up a minute or two late after break. I might feel more comfortable next week, I don’t honestly know. Needless to say I don’t often feel that uncomfortable dealing with a bathroom at this point.

As far as dealing with any of the issues I have about the military, both transition related and service related I have not given them any thought since then. I find it incredibly difficult. I had a hard time prior to my transition working through some issues that I had that were service related. Then add how betrayed I felt and everything else and I am actually surprised I can even write this. I can say that I am really excited to be done with school, not just to be done with school but so that I do not have to deal with anything related to the military, the VA or anything else. I just really am ready to walk away and put that chapter of my life behind me.

This of course comes into conflict with some other issues I have about being open or not being open and to what degree. I had joined the VFW but since then I cannot face even going near there. I thought it would help me to work through some issues, not necessarily talking about them but just being around military related things in a safer and healthier way and learning how to live and let that be a part of my life rather than ignoring it. Then I consider maybe joining like Veterans for Peace because maybe I could be more out there and find people to talk to about it. That’s been one of the hardest parts, the feeling of being alone. I know other trans people who are awesome and I am grateful for their friendship but I really long for another veteran I can talk to or just spend time with.

Well as I sit in Starbucks writing this blog a military guy walked in, so I am going to end it and get back to homework. I am finding that the physical transition, at least for me was the easy part. It is all the shit that keeps coming after that is so hard.