Oh it has been a long time, since I did much of anything really other that sleep, be a dad or go to school. That is all okay, there are seasons in life that are more intense than others, but I am sure ready for this to be over. Another 6 months and hopefully it will be and I will on my way to the next step in life, which I hope to be a teacher certificate/masters degree/still undecided but want to teach middle school. So anyway I figured since I just spent the last 5 hours finishing up a paper that was due last week and then my beautiful child was up screaming for an hour, that now I am wide awake and will finally get around to finishing this post. Probably going to be a long one folks.
So recently I was sitting in bed and realized that it had been a full 9 months since I started testosterone. Here is a highlight of what has occurred since January 1st of this year, much more factual based. “Fun” stuff to come afterwards.
- Ø I stopped having a period almost immediately. IN fact I didn’t have one again after I went on Testosterone, which some guys do have a couple some don’t, it is partially genetics and partially the dose one is on is my understanding.
- Ø My sex drive went up immediately, like I was a 15 year old! It was intense and really difficult to manage for a while, thankfully though it has leveled out to some degree or I have learned how to better manage it? Either way, nothing near what was going on then.
- Ø Body hair, I had stopped shaving my legs a long while prior to starting testosterone and yet the body hair (mainly leg hair) growth was intense and frankly just different. Leg hair on guys is just different than women. I quickly earned the endless poking of my partner about the great deal of leg hair I grew. Since then I have also grown a little hair on my chest, stomach etc. Most recently, like the last month I have gotten more chest hair. Thankfully no back hair.
- Ø My voice dropped, how much I don’t actually know because I didn’t do voice recordings although now I partly wish I did just out of curiosity. This was one of the first things to start and within about three months it had dropped enough there was little doubt as to my gender if just talking to me.
- Ø My hairline changed, which I had never ever thought of but now my hairline is a male hairline versus a female hair line. The idea that guys and gals have different hairlines never really was something I thought about.
- Ø Acne was a real problem for a while although I am finally getting that under control more, although like the last few days have been challenging. I am learning and experimenting with what I use to shave with and seeing how that plays into things.
- Ø Facial hair, at first this was slow going but now it has really gotten to a point where there is a pretty good amount of growth happening. I have to shave daily and if not I have a rather noticeable amount of stubble. Not at as much as lot of guys but if I shave in the morning by the time I go to bed I can see some growth already. For me this has been the most exciting change. I have found I have issues with ingrown hair, not a lot but enough. So the shaving has been an interesting experience. The first time I cut myself it hurt like a mo-fo. My daughter loves to stand and stair at me when I shave, she thinks it is so odd, and it is rather cute.
- Ø Finally, besides my facial hair probably my favorite or most exciting change has been how my body fat has either redistributed (okay so not really excited about the “man belly” as my partner calls it) but I am thrilled with the lack of curves I now have. I am very fortunate that I come from a family where we are built pretty small through the hips, men and woman. I am very happy with how I look, my build anyway. I would love to be in better shape, and I know I always say that but life already is packed full. I love that most days I can look in the mirror and not only be content but actually like what I see and feel confident. I don’t know if that is something I have ever truly felt before.
At the same time that I realized it has been 9 months I realized that it has been 7 months since my top surgery. Like my partner said recently, in some ways it is hard to believe I ever had breasts. I know for me when I think about it now I feel like I know that I had them but it feels weird. It is like I know logically that was me but it is hard to process. It was such a different life, in so many ways.
The last 9 months have brought changes I never thought I would experience, or have and yet now I am. It is almost surreal in a way. I feel profoundly grateful for the ability to transition as quickly as I have, given it was just 12 months ago that I “made the decision” (if I can even refer to it that way) to transition. So much has happened since then that it is hard to even wrap my mind around the fact I was ever any other way sometimes.
Today I had an interesting experience. My partner got an email from someone asking her to get in touch with them. They were vague about it, although the word choice led me to believe that it was regarding transitioning, but in regards to what I was unsure. She responded to them, but in the end I was the one who talked to the person. It was a fascinating conversation really. This person knows someone who for over 70 years lived as a man and now is transitioning to being female. For starters I have to say, that takes a lot of balls in my mind. That’s a lot of life to have lived as one thing only to change. I applaud them though, if that’s what they need to do to be happy I think it is great. I just know how hard my transition was at 27/28 years old so I can’t imagine that age (Well hell I can’t image that age in any way at all, it kind of seems pretty old to me J Anyway the person I was talking to was herself probably in her 50’s and while I could hear really wanting to be understanding and supportive (it was a friend of hers) that there were a lot of stereotypes and fears involved. It seemed to be a delicate situation, so more than anything I ended up listening to her and reassuring her of a few things. And then just helping her understand to refer to this person as “She” since that was the way that she wanted to be referred to and was trying to present as. The reason I share this is that I am finding myself more and more in those situations, where a friend of a friend knows someone or something like that then I end up talking to them or whatever. My partner tells me it is because in part I am so friendly and caring, which may be true. I am glad I can be, I just find it fascinating that the universe continues to bring people in my life like that. All I can really offer is my own experience, strength and hope in those situations. I am glad that I can be open enough and that people feel as though they can trust me enough to come to me.
My partner and I are moving forward with getting married, the details though are up in the air. It is rather overwhelming and there are so many things to think about. She often asks me what I have always wanted for a wedding, and what I have discovered is that I don’t have any dreams about it because I always hated the thought of getting married, to a man. I never ever dreamed I might get married as the guy rather than to the guy. So that is proving to be a little difficult cause I think I want one thing and then realize that’s not what I want. Like I didn’t want a wedding with people there, I was interested in eloping and throw a reception. That was because as a woman I didn’t want to get married in front of people (well and I am really shy and private and it is a very vulnerable thing to do in front of people). Now though I am leaning in the direction of being okay with a small wedding, so we are looking into that. Needless to say so many things I never ever thought about but that my partner has.
So much more I want to share, but not only would that make this longest blog post in history but it would keep me from the endless hours of homework that are calling to me. Hopefully I can find time to get on here again soon though because I am always full of thoughts and things I want to share, but sometimes it I just another chore.
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