Leading up to the realization

What lead up to the realization that I am transgender and need to transition to live as my true self? In some ways it is a long story, and in others it is a rather short story. I feel that it really started 2 1/2 years ago when I met my partner. When we met I had recently left an extremely fundamentalist church that many would call a cult. I had been there for 7 or so years and was deeply involved and believed all that I had been taught. As a result I had lost all sense of self, as they had told me that who I was was wrong, rebellious etc. The list was rather long, and I was told that "God didn't make me that way, it is the devil or your sin" and so I was taught to feel ashamed of the part of me that identified as masculine or male. I was not womanly enough, and I tried for years to be what their idea of feminine is/was. I never did succeed even after all that time. I stayed because I was desperate for the fellowship I thought I had their. So I met my partner and at first was rather traumatized by the idea that I liked women. How could that be?! I was straight after all! It was a very challenging and traumatic time for me as I sorted through those feelings and past issues and decided that I was going to date this amazing woman anyway. So I did start to date her, and today we have a beautiful 2 month old daughter. 


So from the start it made so much sense to me to be with her, because I felt so masculine that it just fit for me. Although at the time I was unaware of transgender or anything remotely close to it. My idea of queer or the queer community was extremely limited and so was my world view. I thought for a long time that being a butch lesbian was what I was always meant to be. I was active duty in the military where I would spend extended periods of time with only men and was expected to be a part of their culture. I had to be tough, be a man, live with them, eat, sleep, live and work with them and only them. So I picked up even more masculine traits, and in my relationship at home became more and more like the man of the house. I also had a very limited view of what I thought that was, but I was starting to have to remind myself that I was a woman and that we were a lesbian couple. At least that is what the world saw. I didn't feel like a lesbian, I never felt comfortable being defined that way. I just never had another word for how I felt. 


I had always identified with men, wanted to be a man, to look like them, dress like them and live in the world as one. What I did not realize was that not all butch lesbians didn't feel that way. I thought that was what made me a butch lesbian. The fact I hated my breasts since I got them, not to mention my womanly curves. Everything about me that defines me as a woman I have always hated and rejected and I didn't realize that it really wasn't the norm. Then one night I was sitting in a restaurant having some personal time, right after finding out I was going to be a parent. In walked a family of four. What I saw as the "all American Family"....a mom, dad, son and daughter. I realized, like a lightning bolt moment that I wanted to be the Dad in that family. Well, not really THAT family but in life. And it scared me to death. I was freaked. I didn't know what to do. I was sure something was terribly wrong with me. 


From that point on I stayed in relative denial about it. I was able to suppress it enough during my partners pregnancy that it only came up once in a while. When it did I was able to rationalize it away with such things as "of course you feel that way, your partner is pregnant and that is your role to be the man right now" or whatever other sentence fit the situation. 


I had some idea that something wasn't really "right" or that I was not a lesbian because I was starting to realize things such as the fact that I never wanted my breasts and puberty was traumatic for me, but not for all girls. Most were excited about that time period in their lives. 
When I watched Saved By The Bell I wanted to be Zack Morris. I didn't want to DATE Zack, like all my friends. I wanted to date the girl that Zack had and I wanted to be Zack. Those are just two examples of early ways that I felt like a boy/man and wanted to be one. I have many more now that I realize what that was I was feeling or thinking.  

So now out daughter is born in July. I am suddenly thrust into parenthood, but I don't want to take the title of mom or parent. I want to be daddy or dad. Going back to my issues with Don't Ask Don't Tell I had a couple of experiences that left me extremely jaded. I had struggled through out the pregnancy with being in the closet and living in such fear of being kicked out. At that time I really just wanted the policy to go away so I could go on and have the military career I always wanted (as a man but I didn't realize that yet).  So after our daughter was born I had three experiences within two weeks where I ran into coworkers and was forced to deny who my partner and daughter were. Looking at that sweet, helpless little baby and having to outright lie was the hardest and most excruciating thing I have ever felt. I knew right then that the military was no longer working for me, I had suffered long enough and it was time for me to move on. Unfortunately, because of the pregnancy and my own fear of financial insecurity I had reenlisted in May for two years. Therefore I was left with little choice  but to go Inactive Ready Reserve. Two days before I put in the paper work in mid August I realized that not only did I need to be separate from the military but that my life depended upon my transitioning, and doing it soon. 


So I put in my paperwork, talked a lot with both my partner and my therapist as well as some legal counsel and made the decision that I was going to move forward with my transition. At that point though, I had come to a place of deep self realization and knew without a doubt that I was transgender and if I didn't transition and live as a man I would either kill myself or end up doing something else extremely self destructive. I love my life too much to be willing to go on as miserable as I now realize I have been, and I love my life so therefore that leaves me with one choice. So here I am, transitioning to living as Jonathan. Each day is fraught with unknowns, fear, anxiety, excitement, joy, freedom and so many more emotions and yet I know deep down this is right.