August 22nd 2010. After much fear and worry I told mom today that I am going to transition. She had come over to watch the little girl so that we could go have some time together and when we got back decided we should tell her first. She took it amazingly well considering what I told her, I was extremely scared of how it was going to go but it went a lot better than my worst fears suggested. She was the first person that I told other than my therapist. She told me she wanted me to be happy. She asked if she could help me pick a new name, which at first I was okay with and so she suggested a few options. In the end I choose the name that they would have named me had I been a boy Jonathan Russell. My deceased grandfathers name was Johnny Russell and I feel a special connection to him and so it only feels right to take that name.
September 1st 2010. I saw the Gender Therapist and she was not on time and not friendly. I also got a parking ticket while I was there L I am not sure I want to see her again but at this point don’t know how I will get my hormone letter if I don’t see her. I feel scared and frustrated today. I thought she was there to help me, but I didn’t get that feeling from her.
I am also starting to realize that I am going to be permanently out of the military, which is a huge loss for me. For a long time I think I was in denial because I thought that I would wait until Don’t Ask Don’t Tell went away and then I would go back to Active Duty. I think deep down I knew that was not going to happen, however my whole life all I have wanted was to be in the military and so imagining my life without that is very hard, scary and painful.
Today I am feeling bitter at God, that had I just been born the right way I would not have to go through this. A lot of self pity today. I am angry that I have to deal with this too. I just want to be what I perceive to be “normal”. I am scared to start my physical transition and yet I feel like I have to.
September 3rd 2010. We went to the store and I bought some men’s clothes as well as men’s deodorant. I am really excited that I am wearing it today. I like how it smells. I have also stopped shaving my legs and wearing men’s boxer’s. All of these are big steps for me. This past couple days I sorted through my clothes and got rid of all of what I had left of women’s clothes. It feels so good, because I have never liked wearing them. We went and got a bunch of men’s clothes for me and it is so weird to see them hanging in my closet. To know I don’t own anything that is women’s other than the sports bra’s I am wearing until my surgery. I am letting my insides control what I am on the outside and for the first time in my life I feel closer to my true self than I have ever known before.
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