A can of soda

Every day I have been wanting to blog, yet each day passes and I don’t do it. I think that right now the issues I want to blog about are first of all a wide varying range of things but even more than that they happen to be rather emotional and therefore it is hard to bring myself to write about them.

I am finding that the male world is fascinating and challenging all at the same time. How I interact with the male world, or rather how I am expected to act in the male world can sometimes be a tricky proposition. Case in point.

    Recently I was up north in Seattle and I stopped at a gas station for a bottle of water and a pack of gum. In front of me in line was a white guy and then at the register was a middle aged, black woman of lesser means. She was buying some gas for her car and had what I am assuming happened to be her young teenage daughter in the front seat. She wanted to get two cans of soda with her fuel, and she was counting out her money and change to get enough for the drinks but she was a little short. She opted out of the drinks and just got the fuel, hanging her head in an almost shamed way as she walked out to tell the kid that she they couldn’t have the drinks (I heard and saw her say something about it). By that point there were two other white guys behind me in line. So now there were four of us, more middle class white guys standing there. When I got up to the counter I told the man that I wanted to buy the two cans of soda, and while he let me do it he looked at me suspiciously. as did the two or three guys behind me now. In fact I could feel the energy of judgement or disapproval as they looked at me with looks of utter contempt. I bought them anyway and I walked out and sat them on the trunk of her car. I just told her that I hoped she had a good day, then I walked to my truck. I didn’t say anything else, I just smiled and she stood there smiling and in shock. It instantly lifted her spirits, I could feel it and see it. In fact as I sat in my truck she made sure to wave and say thank you again. I was wearing my wedding ring, and didn’t try to be creepy with her. I truly wanted to do something nice for someone else.

     As I thought about it over the last few days, it was that I could identify with her on a deep emotional level. As my partner says, I identify and interact with the world on a deep emotional and spiritual level in a way that most people don’t. She thinks that type of compassion and caring comes from deep suffering. Regardless of where it comes from it is there in me. After all, in this situation it was something as simple as extra $1.87 and I take that amount of money for granted all the time. Yet when I did that for her, completely without any motive at all other than to be nice I could feel that it was not acceptable. It was as though as a man you cannot do something nice for someone, especially a woman and in that situation I have to wonder if her skin color played into it as well. It really made me sad though that when I was a woman it was not a big deal if I had done the same thing. In fact, as I stood there contemplating buying them for her I considered that it might not be socially acceptable, and yet I choose to do it anyway because I feel the world needs more of that rather than less. Point being though, being a guy can be a tough thing as each day I navigate through many situations like that. I get to make a conscious choice on many levels and many times each day as to whether I want to give in to the social norms and acceptable behavior or if I want to be what I feel is part of the solution to what is wrong with the world. A little kindness goes a long way. It is just so fascinating and sometimes heartbreaking the changes and different things that are no longer socially acceptable for me to do. Some things I do anyway, like buying the soda. Some things I choose to give in to the social norm or behaviors that are expected of me.

Since that took up more room than I expected, and I don’t want this one post to be as long as a book I will just touch on the other important subject on my mind tonight. That would be the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. It goes into effect on September 20, 2011. It is bittersweet for me, on so many levels. Of course I am thrilled for all those that will hopefully now be able to serve more openly and comfortably while being true to themselves. It is about time that this ban was repealed and for all of them, I understand how hard it is and I am excited that change is coming. However it is also very hard though because transgender people are still discriminated against, and in essence it doesn’t mean anything for me. It really brings up so many unresolved issues around all different areas of my military service. The things I experienced, saw, took part in, and of course most importantly how it all ended and how I felt so deeply betrayed. Betrayed on many levels, in a way that I am not sure I can ever fully describe and or that I will ever fully get over. I am trying hard to move on with my life, to grow and make a new life for myself as a guy and yet it feels like now especially that there are reminders everywhere. I hope that some day again I can look to the sky when those airplanes fly over that I used to fly in and I won’t feel that deep sense of pain. I hope that some day I get to see transgender people serving in our armed services, as they do in Canada and some other countries and yet I fear I might be an old man before I see that. In the meantime I am deciding if I will be celebrating the repeal quietly or if I will join in a public celebration.

Finally, I end on this. This morning after I woke up, showered and shaved (which I must say I am thrilled by the way that my facial hair growth has finally picked up) I got dressed and I stood in front of the mirror. Looking back at me, for the first time in my life that I can ever remember was the person I have always wanted to be. There was a good looking, young man staring at me. The image was what I had always had in my mind, in my jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt so nothing fancy. But I didn’t have breasts. I didn’t have the female curves I had for so long or long hair. I had not spent time putting on make up that I hated or jewelry that wasn’t me. Now I have short hair, a flat chest and facial hair to shave. I have a deep voice, and no curves. I am a young man. I feel like myself. This is who I have always wanted to be, and always knew I was but my body didn’t match. The feeling was incredible, and didn’t leave me all day long. To finally feel whole, after 28 years was something I was not sure I would ever experience. And yet this morning, for the first of hopefully many more to come I did feel that way. And I felt profoundly grateful.